Totally Random

[lanalucy]

I followed a link on a comm today to try to learn something more about using appropriate language with people who are not me. I finished the article, read the comments, and ended up more confused than ever. I still don't know what to call people who aren't me. Over the last year, I've learned that the label I put on myself isn't appropriate - it has to be prefaced. So if I don't know what to call myself, how am I supposed to know what to call everyone else?


This link was specifically about gender-identity and sexuality (I think - I honestly don't even know what to call it anymore), and how using a word - the example was "tranny" - can be damaging to a person, reinforcing years of verbal or other abuse.

I don't intentionally use labels to denigrate other people. I do have labels in my head that until they are pointed out to me, I don't read them as insulting. To me, who grew up in a family full of mechanics, a tranny is a piece of a car - a damn expensive piece of a car. I've never used the word to describe a person, but I have been told to stop using it, because it offends people. How? I'm not using it to describe people.

Specifically, I'm learning this because I'm personally affected by it - someone I know is dealing with this issue on a daily basis, and yet, I still don't understand it. Really, I am not afraid to say that I don't get it. I can't understand it, can't even empathize. I've never been uncomfortable in my own body - the kind of uncomfortable that makes surgery or a lifetime of drug-therapy a viable option. At most, I've wondered how much easier camping or road trips would be if I could whip out my penis and pee in a bush or off the side of the road. Still, I've never wanted to be a man.

What I can do is ACCEPT that you are presenting yourself to me as what you wish to be. You present to me as female, and unless you tell me otherwise, that's what you are. Same goes if you present as male. I don't go looking for subtle signs that you are just pretending. If you want to share that part of your journey with me, I will be as welcoming as I know how to be, up to my limits. I'm not afraid to say, "Okay, I've reached the point where I need to go away and process before I can take more input." That's not about you, about me thinking there's something wrong with you, it's about how my mind works.

According to the new labels, being born in a female body and feeling female makes me cis-female. I looked it up, because I needed to understand where the prefix came from in order to use it. Yes, I'm weird. The cis prefix is 'near' or 'in the vicinity of' making me near-female or in-the-vicinity-of-female? Except I'm not. I'm a girl. A woman. A female. A bitch, even. A cranky, curmudgeonly, twisted and deviant woman on the verge of fifty. I don't know how to respond when someone says, "Oh, you're cis-female." Except to say, "No. I'm a female. There's no cis about it." Why is that wrong?

Does anyone else understand this enough to talk me through this? I'm willing to learn new things. I just need more than "Oh, this is the new way to say it, but I can't explain it, it just is," to internalize it, to make it stick.


My apologies if I failed to express myself adequately or if I did it in a way that offends you. It is definitely not intentional.

Comments

[baliao.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Calling someone a tranny is a bit like calling someone an n-word. It's best just to stay clear.

Even if a person doesn't present as female, that doesn't mean that not being identified as female isn't terribly painful. Surgery and hormones are expensive and difficult, there are family and career issues to contend with as well as concerns about passing. Despite the recent LGBT advances it is still considered okay to make jokes about trans people in the media. If a transwoman doesn't pass perfectly, she will be laughed at. Humiliated publicly almost everywhere. Trans-people go through hell to try to get some relief from the pain that comes with having these sorts of gender identity issues. And so 'woman' and 'man' are considered a matter of identity. If someone identifies as a woman, they are a woman and female pronouns should be used where appropriate. It's just a way of avoiding some unnecessary pain.

'"Oh, you're cis-female." Except to say, "No. I'm a female. There's no cis about it." Why is that wrong?'

The problem is that it suggests that people who are trans-women are somehow not women.

'Cis' is just used to distinguish between trans and not trans.

Sorry if this isn't helpful. I have to run to work.

FWIW, 'female' generally refers to biological gender. It's pretty rare to see the cis/trans nomenclature used with it.

[lanalucy]

I guess part of what I don't get is how me labelling myself female implies anything about anyone else. Second to that is why with all the vehemence about being called the right thing, I should accept a label that does not make sense to me.

I'm not arguing, more thinking "out loud."

[lanalucy]

I think I kind of expect people to correct me if I use the wrong pronouns. "I prefer she. Thank you." Okay - I can do that. I don't question why she prefers to be she, and I don't care whether she is in a suit/tie/ugly brown loafers or a pencil skirt and heels. That said, I've never known anyone during the transition, who shared with me that they were transitioning. I've known people both before and after and had no trouble making the correction in my head.

I'm struggling with this (and I get that it's nowhere near the struggle this person is experiencing) because I have known them as one gender for a long time, and now they have made a statement. "I wish to be addressed as x." It *should* be an easy thing to fix in my head, but I am struggling with it. Luckily, they are understanding of this and have agreed to gentle corrections when I unconsciously use the wrong descriptors, and I have agreed to be more mindful of my speech in public (and in private, of course!).

[baliao.livejournal.com]

You are one of the most loving, inclusive people out there, you know that? Props.

Using the wrong pronoun/name comes across as a sort of a slap in in the face. Rejection is the norm so even accidental misgendering naturally comes across as rejection.

It's a shame, but from what I've seen there's a sense of exclusion in the trans community. A lot of animosity too, in fact. There's a strange, "I may be gay, but at least I'm not trans" vibe that can be seen sometimes in the gay side of the LGBT community. Because trans acceptance is so much lower than gay acceptance, there seems to be the impression that many try to distance themselves publicly. There was a time when a lot of feminists saw transwomen as straight men who were trying to co-opt or even mock womanhood by making it out to be something that can be obtained through wardrobe choices or surgery. Supposed natural allies said things that should probably go unprinted. It's improving, but while gay marriage is fast rocketing toward almost interracial marriage levels of public acceptance, it's still no big deal to make cheap "hahaha look at the dude in a dress" jokes on TV. There's loads of bitterness.

The whole cis/trans thing is just a sub category of "woman." Just a way of emphasizing that someone is not somehow less of a woman for lacking certain organs. I wouldn't expect a transwoman to call herself that. She'd call herself a woman unless there was some need to make the distinction. Same for ciswomen/men. It don't think many trans people *identify* as trans. It seems to be more of a description than anything else. A fact they would like to put behind themselves after transitioning. YMMV.

Another thing to consider is whether it's okay to use the person's preferred pronouns/name publicly. That was a big deal, I recall, when I was involved with the campus LGBT organization. Often someone might unable to come out publicly, and might choose to confide in only a few people. In which case it's a serious faux-pas (to say the least) to let the cat out of the bag by using the person's chosen name and pronouns where it could raise questions.

[lanalucy]

Thanks. I try to be. And I seriously needed that today.

I did one of those Safe Allies things at the university when I was there (there needed to be at least one certified Safe Ally in each building or something along those lines), and it was pretty comprehensive, but still not approaching the level of information I'm trying to absorb now.

Rejection is such a hard thing, and ANYthing can trigger feeling like we're being rejected.

"The whole cis/trans thing is just a sub category of "woman." Just a way of emphasizing that someone is not somehow less of a woman for lacking certain organs. "

That's finally where I got with this last night. I don't like the label, but how many times in my life is it going to come up? Is it going to matter in five years that someone put that label on me and I let myself get angry over it? No. So, I'll just accept the label if it ever comes up in conversation and move on. Pick my battles, so to speak, because seriously, what someone labels ME is nothing in the overall scheme of things - I don't care when people call me ugly names, so why am I getting cranky about this? There are far more important things for me to get angry or hurt about.

In this particular case, I was told, "This is the name I have chosen, and this is how I wish to be addressed, even if my father or brother are around. If they don't like it, it's their problem." Prior to this, I was taking the path of least resistance, and I explained that. "You say you don't care which pronouns or what name I use, so I'll continue to use the ones I'm used to. When and if you tell me you want that to be different, I'll do that." So now that I have a clear-cut decision and instructions, I can adjust.

I have learned via some heated (not angry, but passionate) discussions on this and related subjects, that I do not look at people in the "normal" way, so I guess I'm a special snowflake. Like I didn't already know that.

{hugs}