Fic: Unraveling, Kara/Laura, AU, R
Jul. 7th, 2015 12:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lanalucySummary: Kara wonders how long she can keep Laura in the dark, how long before Laura makes her leave because she's not good enough anymore.
Notes: This is part of my Healing Arts verse. Zak is not a good guy in this verse.
There are references to Kara's ordeal in this fic, but nothing graphic. Still, if you have rape triggers, please read with caution or a friend close by.
Beta by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
newnumbertwo and laura_mayfair <3
Kara knew she was worrying Laura, but she couldn’t make herself do anything about it. It was hard enough just making herself go to work every day. All the love she’d had for this job had been sucked out of her during the last year. She still wasn’t flying, even now that she was planetside again, and if she couldn’t fly, what was the point? And if she didn’t have a job, how was she going to support herself? What was Laura going to think if her former girlfriend couldn’t hold down a job? How long would it take before she kicked Kara out?
That scared her. She knew she’d hurt Laura when she’d left the way she had, and she’d hurt her more by not writing or calling. And yet Laura had shown up at the transport station to pick her up. For a brief moment, she’d hoped that she hadn’t spoiled what they’d had. Then Thorne’s smug face had swum into her mind. And Adama.
Laura’d been so nice to her since Kara’d gotten back, but she hadn’t tried to frak Kara, hadn’t given Kara any indication that she wanted her. Laura would never understand what had happened, and even if she would understand, Kara could never tell her. And she couldn’t look at Laura and love Laura and want Laura and not ruin it with the poison inside her.
She stood in the shower - the only place she could let herself cry - and tried to decide if she should leave, let Laura find someone better. She sank to the floor of the shower, weighted down by the shame of knowing she just wasn’t strong enough.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sally Otis sat up straighter as she encountered a name she’d seen before. Laura Roslin’s girlfriend, Kara Thrace, had filed a preliminary Conduct Unbecoming report on one Zakary Adama a couple of years ago. There was no sitrep in the file, and considering he was probably related to Admiral William “Husker” Adama, Sally suspected it had been quashed by Kara’s superiors. She pushed her chair across to her file cabinet and flicked through until she found what she wanted.
I knew I’d seen his name before.
She made a note in the unofficial file she’d started on Kara, and tapped her lip as she scanned the rest of the file names in the drawer. She pulled two more files and made more notes before putting them back. Back in Kara’s personnel jacket, she turned pages down until she got to the fitreps from her most recent tour. The ones from a year ago had been good. Kara’d had a little trouble adjusting to being out in space and not being able to fly yet, but her job performance had been above average. No complaints. Until about three months in, when her fitreps had taken a serious turn for the worse.
Oh, hell. Was she reporting to him? If I have three instances of Adama’s name in my clients’ files, I have over two dozen mentions of Alastair Thorne. He was brutal to the women he worked with, and more so to women he suspected of being lesbian, but he’d always been able to talk pretty enough to convince investigators he was a veritable angel. She flipped the center divider and looked at the section where brig time would be. Gods. What is that? Two...no three months in the brig. Where’s the supporting documentation? Why wasn’t she shipped planetside? She turned another page, and Adama’s name jumped out at her. He was in the brig for a week? At the same time? Did he and Thorne assault her together? Frak, frak, frak. She sat back, stunned, filtering through her mental file for which marker she could call in. This girl would need serious help, if she could be convinced to accept it. I can’t officially question anything in her file, since I purportedly requested those files for a random psych study...except maybe that’s exactly why I can do it. I can question why she spent a quarter of her deployment in the brig, after three months of above average fitreps, when there was nothing in the file to indicate the charges. Someone should have asked questions. Her mind kept flipping through business cards. Oh. Perfect. She glanced at her watch and picked up the phone.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Laura sat down in the chair in Dr. Otis’ office. Something in the receptionist’s eyes had made her tense. She tried to relax, but Kara...this was so much harder than she’d imagined, and she’d really hoped to be able to vent today. One look at Dr. Otis as she rounded her desk, and Laura knew something had changed.
“Laura - “ Dr. Otis folded her hands on the desk, staring hard at them before raising her eyes to Laura’s again. “...I was able to request a selection of personnel jackets, and Kara’s was included. I can’t officially confirm or deny what I suggested during our first meeting, but unofficially, I’m going to strongly encourage you to educate yourself about sexual assault and rape.” She looked down at her desk again. “I’ve got some numbers here, for rape survivors’ groups, and groups for families who’ve been affected by sexual offenses.”
Laura was stiff, her mind whirling, and she was so overcome, she held up a hand. “Just stop. I need a minute.”
Dr. Otis nodded.
Oh, gods. Kara, baby. What did they do to you? Laura clutched her purse on her lap, holding so tightly to it that she wouldn’t have been surprised to see her nails rip right through the bag. She flexed her fingers, dug into the side pocket for a tissue and looked at it, as if she’d already forgotten what she wanted it for. Movement in front of her caught her attention, and she saw that Dr. Otis had put a stress ball on the desk directly in front of her. She was barely aware of reaching forward and crushing the ball in a shaking hand.
“Okay. What kind of help can I get her?” She said the words carefully, afraid each one would escape as a scream of rage.
“That’s going to depend entirely on Kara, and from what you’ve told me, she’s unlikely to want to deal with this head-on.”
“But I’ll have the information for the groups?”
“Of course. And I’ll be here, on an emergency basis, Laura - for you or for Kara.”
“How does something like this happen?” The volume of her own words startled her, and she took a deep breath to regain control.
“If something like that were to happen to Fleet personnel on active duty, and I’m not saying it has, it would be a serious offense. Prison time upon conviction, at the very least. Maybe even a remote prison planet, for multiple convictions.”
Oh, gods. Multiple? Sweet Lords of Kobol. She had to know. “Multiple attacks on the same person, or on multiple women?” She was looking directly at Dr. Otis, so she saw the wince and realized Dr. Otis hadn’t meant to let that slip. She watched Dr. Otis bite her lip. It was so sexy when Kara did that. Shit. Am I supposed to not think about that now? “What am I supposed to do about sex?” She blurted it out, realized it too late to call it back.
“I don’t think Kara’s going to be up to -”
“Oh, for frak’s sake, Dr. Otis!” Laura shot out of the chair and started pacing. “I’m not talking about whether or not I can frak my girlfriend while she’s dealing with being raped! How careful do I have to be? Can I touch her? Let her know I’m still attracted to her? What’s safe? I haven’t even seen her touch herself since she’s been back, and she used to masturbate every day, sometimes two or three times.”
“How or where or how much is going to be up to Kara. I would start small - holding hands, maybe snuggling on the couch. Try to let her initiate anything overtly sexual. I’m not the expert on this kind of recovery, Laura.”
“Of course. You’ve included information in there about therapists who specialized in rape recovery?”
“Of course. You can transition to another therapist if you find one you like…”
Laura shook her head. “I’m not replacing you. I just need more information. Kara’s not the same, and I need every single bit of information I can get my hands on to help her become herself again.”
“Our time’s almost up, Laura, and today I have someone waiting. Do you need to talk about any of this?”
“No. I need to absorb this. Process.”
Dr. Otis stood. “Kara still loves you underneath all this. I’m willing to bet on it. She feels safe with you. She wouldn’t have come back to you otherwise. This is going to be hard, Laura, so remember to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of her.”
“Kara got me through cancer, Dr. Otis. I can get her through this.”
“I’m sorry it wasn’t better news, Laura. I so hoped I was wrong.”
Laura nodded and turned to leave. She paused at the door. “Thank you, Dr. Otis. I’ll see you next time.”
Laura poked at her phone as she walked out of the building. “Billy? Do I have anything urgent this afternoon? No? I’m taking the rest of the day then.” She leaned against the wall, pushing her glasses into her hair and rubbing her eyes fiercely. “No, not good, Billy. I’ll...fill you in later. I’m not ready to talk about it. I’m fine. It’s not me, it’s Kara.” Billy started to say something, and she just couldn’t take it. “I’ve got to go, Billy.” She hit the end button and dropped the phone into her purse.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Saul cocked his head. The tall, gangly blonde looked like his and Ellen’s old therapist. He grabbed his coffee and made his way through the tables. “Dr. Otis?”
She looked up, clearly startled by his greeting. “Saul Tigh?”
“You having a rough day, Dr. Otis?”
She rubbed her forehead, as if the area behind it ached. “Rough rape consult.” She waved her hand, as if to wipe that away. “How are you and Ellen doing? Have things been better for you?”
“We’ve incorporated a lot of what you taught us. We do still like a good fight to get the blood pumping, but we’re actually doing pretty well with each other.”
“I’m happy to hear it.”
“We probably wouldn’t have made it without killing each other if it weren’t for you.” He took a few sips of his coffee, noting that Dr. Otis was staring off into space again. “You sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
“It’s this Thorne guy. He’s bad news, and thank the gods Kara’s off his ship -” She realized what she was saying and stopped herself. “Frak, Saul. Forget I said that. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
He dipped his head in acknowledgement. Thorne? Why does that name sound familiar? And Kara? Wonder if it’s the same woman? “How are you doing?”
“Practice is as busy as ever. Somebody in Fleet is always needing help.”
“I’ve met my fair share. Got a list, waiting for just the right reason to send them your way.”
Dr. Otis smiled. “I’ll be happy to help anybody you send me, Saul.”
He kept the conversation going for a few more minutes, then decided to chance it. “Met a Kara once. Kara ‘Starbuck’ Thrace. Scary-good pilot. Broke a bunch of records while she was at Flight School. Interesting young woman.”
Dr. Otis didn’t give him even an inkling if they were talking about the same woman. “Interesting, as in there’s no other complimentary word to describe her, or actually interesting?”
Saul laughed. “She did a seminar while I was visiting, on using the enemy’s expectations to beat them at their own game. She was actually interesting. She’d have made a good tactician if we were still fighting Cylons. She’d be wasted on the enemies we have now, though.” He held in the sigh that accompanied the thought. Not that he wanted to be at war, but sometimes, he really missed the adrenaline rush of being a combat pilot. Maybe that’s why he and Ellen had to have a knock-down drag-out every once in a while.
“From everything her girlfriend says, - godsdammit, Saul. No more of that. I’ll have to make you sign a confidentiality agreement.” She cocked her head for a moment. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea. There is something about this case I could use you on. Would you be interested in being read in?”
“You saved my marriage, Doc, and kept me from winding up in prison or dead. If there’s any way I can help in return, I’d be happy to do it.”
“You can’t talk to Ellen about this, Saul. It’s an extremely sensitive case, especially if what I suspect is true.”
He put down his coffee and waved the warning away. “Ellen’s off-planet for a couple of months visiting friends. She calls in once a week, and I hardly get a word in edgewise. Not a problem.”
“My office. 0700. Will that work?”
“I’ll be there. And if you haven’t changed receptionists, I’ll bring the coffee.”
Dr. Otis laughed. “I finally had to tell her to stop making the coffee. It was pretty horrible, wasn’t it?”
Saul nodded. He couldn’t wait to learn more about this case. He needed to get his brain geared up, figure out where he knew this Thorne from. He was also looking forward to seeing how Starbuck had fared after Flight School, though if she was seeing Dr. Otis, it probably wasn’t good.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sally watched Saul Tigh walk away. She was unnerved by the way she’d kept slipping up and saying things to him that violated patient privacy, but she felt in her gut that bringing Saul in was a good choice, though she wasn’t sure yet why. She’d figure it out. If nothing else, he was still active duty, so he could possibly do some casual asking around and get her background information about Zak Adama or Alastair Thorne. If he’d heard of either one of them, she could get a male perspective on their behavior, maybe learn why the current regime was keeping Thorne in Fleet. Thorne was a hazard to the female population, in or out of uniform, and in a position of authority, he was downright dangerous, in her opinion. From Laura’s description of Kara’s behavior, before and after, she’d been so severely traumatized Sally wondered how the girl was functioning. When her childhood was factored in, Sally was even more concerned Kara would break. There was only so much a human brain could take. Maybe I should consider reading Fleet Psych in on this - she could be a suicide risk. She dismissed the idea almost immediately; Kara wasn’t technically her patient, and alerting Fleet Psych to the possibility of suicide would go on Kara's official record. She could be grounded permanently, and it might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sally didn’t want to be responsible for that.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Laura got in her car and drove aimlessly. She ended up near the park with the fountain where she’d gone after her cancer diagnosis. There were fewer people today, from what she could see. She exchanged her heels for flats, locked her purse in the trunk, and started walking. She found a tree as far from the small crowd as she could get, sat down at its base, and cried, her face and arms resting on her knees. She cried until she felt numb, then reached behind her and dug into the tree trunk.
The rough bark scraped against her fingertips and reminded her she was alive. Pain was part of living. She’d get through this, and she’d get Kara through it. Somehow. She dug in her pocket for the single tissue she’d stuffed there, and though it was inadequate, she wiped her face as best she could. Then she stood and started walking again.
For the second time in her life, she sat on the edge of the fountain, bare feet dipped in the cool water, face tipped to the sun. Mom. I know you’re up there. Kara’s broken, and I don’t know what to do.
She sat, eyes closed, wishing for the answer that logically, she knew would never come.
You know what to do, Laura Roslin.
The voice startled her eyes open, and she looked around.
Her mother’s gentle laugh echoed in her head. I’m not out there, girl. I’m in here, right where I’ve always been. Your Kara’s hurt, but she’s not broken. Not quite. She came back to you because she trusts you with her pieces. So you do what I taught you. You love her, as best you can, until she starts to love herself again. And then you keep loving her.
Laura smiled, just a little bit. Even if the voice in her head was just a ghost, a shadow of conversations she’d had with her mother over the years, it was right. And so was Sally Otis. Love Kara, and take care of herself. She wouldn’t be much good to Kara if she got sick again. She made a mental note to schedule a physical. She’d been lax about that while Kara’d been gone.
She sent a mental thank you and hug to her mother, put her shoes back on, and headed for the car.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Saul was sitting on his porch drinking a beer, thinking about where he and Bill might like to go on their next bachelor vacation, when his mind made the connection. Bill had been to visit Zak on Ramayana, and one of Zak’s coworkers, a lieutenant, had been named Thorne. Saul remembered the expression of distaste on Bill’s face when he’d mentioned the man, how much Zak had seemed to look up to him. If it was the same Thorne Sally Otis had mentioned, Bill’s dislike of the man had in part been due to his misogynistic attitude toward women. Bill had told him if Thorne had been on his ship, he’d have been on report at least a dozen times during the short period Bill’d been on Ramayana. It wasn’t his ship, so he hadn’t said anything to her commander, but he’d been concerned when Zak had exhibited some of the same attitudes whenever he thought Bill wasn’t paying attention.
Saul dropped his feet to the deck. Don’t much like where this seems to be going. I’ll have to wait until Dr. Otis reads me in, but she mentioned rape. I hope like hell I don’t have to talk to Bill about his kid raping a woman. Gods.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kara was sitting in the living room in the dark when Laura got home, and she didn’t see her at first.
“I went by my studio. Someone else is there now. Did you get rid of my stuff?”
“Oh!” Laura jumped, her heart pounding. “Gods, Kara. I didn’t see you there.”
“Did you toss my stuff?”
Kara’s voice was flat, toneless, but Laura could feel the tension boiling just out of sight. “Of course not, Kara. I had it moved.”
“Why?”
“They raised the rent while you were gone. An unreasonable amount, I thought, so I found you something else. It’s a better spot. You’ll like it more, I think.” She turned on a lamp, and Kara winced.
“Where?”
The assumption that Laura hadn’t taken care of her stuff was irksome. At the same time, this was the first thing Kara had cared enough about to pursue since she’d gotten back. She held out her hand. “Come on. I’ll show you.” She watched Kara get up and walk toward her. She was hurt that Kara wouldn’t take her hand, but she sucked it down. For now, it was more important for Kara to be comfortable.
Laura led the way through the house to the back door, pulling a set of keys out of a drawer on the way. She flipped on the porch light and stepped into the back yard.
“You put my stuff in the back yard?” Kara almost sounded angry.
“No, baby. Come on.” She walked across the yard to a building in the corner.
When Kara caught sight of it, she unconsciously grabbed Laura’s hand. “What is this? This wasn’t here when I left.”
Laura unlocked the door and flipped the switch. “I had it built for you.” Then, because she wanted Kara to have the freedom to explore the place without feeling like she had to express gratitude, she pressed the keys into Kara’s hand and stepped back. “I’ll let you check everything out.”
She hurried back across the yard, hoping Kara would see this for what it was, a gesture of love and welcome, and not as some sort of control.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kara wandered around the space for several hours, picking things up and putting them back down, arranging easels and looking at canvases. She opened doors and found beautifully organized supplies. Three of the four walls were windows, and there were skylights. Laura put a lot of thought into this. But for what? Me? Everything is so pretty and clean, and I’m not. Still, I should thank her.
It was with that foremost in her mind that she went back into the house, careful to lock the studio door before she walked away. She went to the bedroom and changed into sleep clothes, then looked toward the bed. Laura had fallen asleep reading, and part of Kara wanted to just watch her. But she had to thank Laura. It’s what she would have done before. Keeping things normal was important, so Laura wouldn’t know.
She pulled Laura’s book and glasses off gently and put them on the side table, then turned the lamp down to its lowest setting. She ran a hand down Laura’s bare arm and Laura mmmed in her sleep. She pushed Laura’s panties down. Slowly, so she wouldn’t wake. Ran her fingers lightly up and down Laura’s legs, watching them ease open. Kara crawled onto the bed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Laura shifted. Kara was touching her, and it was so good. Better than she remembered. But something was wrong, too. She made herself fully wake up and pay attention. Laura was wet and Kara was watching her own hand work on Laura, her expression almost dead.
Laura moved her hand, stroking up Kara’s arm softly. Kara winced. “Kara?”
“It’s fine.”
What was fine? Physically, Laura was turned on, but it was clear to her Kara was not enjoying this at all, and that made it wrong at the very least. “Kara, stop.”
She turned her face away and kept going. “I have to thank you.”
Gods, Kara. “You don’t have to thank me for anything, Kara. I’m always happy to do things for you. But what are you talking about?”
Kara’s fingers stilled briefly. “The house. The painting house. I have to thank you for that.”
“Baby, you don’t. You don’t have to thank me. You never have to do anything with me you don’t want to do.”
Kara muttered something, and Laura thought she heard, “But this is what I would have done before. It has to be normal. I have to be normal.”
Finally, Laura reached down and put her hand on Kara’s wrist, stopping her motions. “Kara. Stop. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
As if by rote, Kara said, “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s fine.”
Laura used some of the strength she’d built up in her arms over the last year to pull Kara’s hand away from her, and coax her down to the bed. She wrapped her arm around Kara tight and kissed her forehead. Kara remained stiff in her arms. “Oh, Kara. What did they do to you?”
There was a subtle shift, as if Kara had somehow put distance between them, and she said, “Nothing. Nobody did anything. It’s all part of the training.”
Laura wanted to vomit. Part of the training? Sick frakking bastards. She swallowed down the rage and shoved it into a corner. There would be a time and place to use that rage, but it wasn’t with Kara. She didn’t know what else to do, so she rubbed Kara’s back and hummed the way she used to before. It had been one of Kara’s favorite ways to fall asleep. After a few minutes, Kara relaxed and drifted off.
Laura watched her sleep, clenching her fist over the changes she saw. Lines in Kara’s face. Sadness. Her resting face was pinched and full of pain. Laura stroked her arm, from the shoulder down, and Kara flinched into herself with a little cry, but didn’t wake. Laura kept petting Kara, just touching her, hoping maybe the simple physical connection would help her sleep or feel at peace for a few minutes, or something.
She fell asleep breathing in the scent of Kara’s hair, and when she woke, Kara was already gone to work. She said a silent prayer to thank her mother for reminding her not to give up.
Notes: This is part of my Healing Arts verse. Zak is not a good guy in this verse.
There are references to Kara's ordeal in this fic, but nothing graphic. Still, if you have rape triggers, please read with caution or a friend close by.
Beta by
newnumbertwo and laura_mayfair <3Kara knew she was worrying Laura, but she couldn’t make herself do anything about it. It was hard enough just making herself go to work every day. All the love she’d had for this job had been sucked out of her during the last year. She still wasn’t flying, even now that she was planetside again, and if she couldn’t fly, what was the point? And if she didn’t have a job, how was she going to support herself? What was Laura going to think if her former girlfriend couldn’t hold down a job? How long would it take before she kicked Kara out?
That scared her. She knew she’d hurt Laura when she’d left the way she had, and she’d hurt her more by not writing or calling. And yet Laura had shown up at the transport station to pick her up. For a brief moment, she’d hoped that she hadn’t spoiled what they’d had. Then Thorne’s smug face had swum into her mind. And Adama.
Laura’d been so nice to her since Kara’d gotten back, but she hadn’t tried to frak Kara, hadn’t given Kara any indication that she wanted her. Laura would never understand what had happened, and even if she would understand, Kara could never tell her. And she couldn’t look at Laura and love Laura and want Laura and not ruin it with the poison inside her.
She stood in the shower - the only place she could let herself cry - and tried to decide if she should leave, let Laura find someone better. She sank to the floor of the shower, weighted down by the shame of knowing she just wasn’t strong enough.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sally Otis sat up straighter as she encountered a name she’d seen before. Laura Roslin’s girlfriend, Kara Thrace, had filed a preliminary Conduct Unbecoming report on one Zakary Adama a couple of years ago. There was no sitrep in the file, and considering he was probably related to Admiral William “Husker” Adama, Sally suspected it had been quashed by Kara’s superiors. She pushed her chair across to her file cabinet and flicked through until she found what she wanted.
I knew I’d seen his name before.
She made a note in the unofficial file she’d started on Kara, and tapped her lip as she scanned the rest of the file names in the drawer. She pulled two more files and made more notes before putting them back. Back in Kara’s personnel jacket, she turned pages down until she got to the fitreps from her most recent tour. The ones from a year ago had been good. Kara’d had a little trouble adjusting to being out in space and not being able to fly yet, but her job performance had been above average. No complaints. Until about three months in, when her fitreps had taken a serious turn for the worse.
Oh, hell. Was she reporting to him? If I have three instances of Adama’s name in my clients’ files, I have over two dozen mentions of Alastair Thorne. He was brutal to the women he worked with, and more so to women he suspected of being lesbian, but he’d always been able to talk pretty enough to convince investigators he was a veritable angel. She flipped the center divider and looked at the section where brig time would be. Gods. What is that? Two...no three months in the brig. Where’s the supporting documentation? Why wasn’t she shipped planetside? She turned another page, and Adama’s name jumped out at her. He was in the brig for a week? At the same time? Did he and Thorne assault her together? Frak, frak, frak. She sat back, stunned, filtering through her mental file for which marker she could call in. This girl would need serious help, if she could be convinced to accept it. I can’t officially question anything in her file, since I purportedly requested those files for a random psych study...except maybe that’s exactly why I can do it. I can question why she spent a quarter of her deployment in the brig, after three months of above average fitreps, when there was nothing in the file to indicate the charges. Someone should have asked questions. Her mind kept flipping through business cards. Oh. Perfect. She glanced at her watch and picked up the phone.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Laura sat down in the chair in Dr. Otis’ office. Something in the receptionist’s eyes had made her tense. She tried to relax, but Kara...this was so much harder than she’d imagined, and she’d really hoped to be able to vent today. One look at Dr. Otis as she rounded her desk, and Laura knew something had changed.
“Laura - “ Dr. Otis folded her hands on the desk, staring hard at them before raising her eyes to Laura’s again. “...I was able to request a selection of personnel jackets, and Kara’s was included. I can’t officially confirm or deny what I suggested during our first meeting, but unofficially, I’m going to strongly encourage you to educate yourself about sexual assault and rape.” She looked down at her desk again. “I’ve got some numbers here, for rape survivors’ groups, and groups for families who’ve been affected by sexual offenses.”
Laura was stiff, her mind whirling, and she was so overcome, she held up a hand. “Just stop. I need a minute.”
Dr. Otis nodded.
Oh, gods. Kara, baby. What did they do to you? Laura clutched her purse on her lap, holding so tightly to it that she wouldn’t have been surprised to see her nails rip right through the bag. She flexed her fingers, dug into the side pocket for a tissue and looked at it, as if she’d already forgotten what she wanted it for. Movement in front of her caught her attention, and she saw that Dr. Otis had put a stress ball on the desk directly in front of her. She was barely aware of reaching forward and crushing the ball in a shaking hand.
“Okay. What kind of help can I get her?” She said the words carefully, afraid each one would escape as a scream of rage.
“That’s going to depend entirely on Kara, and from what you’ve told me, she’s unlikely to want to deal with this head-on.”
“But I’ll have the information for the groups?”
“Of course. And I’ll be here, on an emergency basis, Laura - for you or for Kara.”
“How does something like this happen?” The volume of her own words startled her, and she took a deep breath to regain control.
“If something like that were to happen to Fleet personnel on active duty, and I’m not saying it has, it would be a serious offense. Prison time upon conviction, at the very least. Maybe even a remote prison planet, for multiple convictions.”
Oh, gods. Multiple? Sweet Lords of Kobol. She had to know. “Multiple attacks on the same person, or on multiple women?” She was looking directly at Dr. Otis, so she saw the wince and realized Dr. Otis hadn’t meant to let that slip. She watched Dr. Otis bite her lip. It was so sexy when Kara did that. Shit. Am I supposed to not think about that now? “What am I supposed to do about sex?” She blurted it out, realized it too late to call it back.
“I don’t think Kara’s going to be up to -”
“Oh, for frak’s sake, Dr. Otis!” Laura shot out of the chair and started pacing. “I’m not talking about whether or not I can frak my girlfriend while she’s dealing with being raped! How careful do I have to be? Can I touch her? Let her know I’m still attracted to her? What’s safe? I haven’t even seen her touch herself since she’s been back, and she used to masturbate every day, sometimes two or three times.”
“How or where or how much is going to be up to Kara. I would start small - holding hands, maybe snuggling on the couch. Try to let her initiate anything overtly sexual. I’m not the expert on this kind of recovery, Laura.”
“Of course. You’ve included information in there about therapists who specialized in rape recovery?”
“Of course. You can transition to another therapist if you find one you like…”
Laura shook her head. “I’m not replacing you. I just need more information. Kara’s not the same, and I need every single bit of information I can get my hands on to help her become herself again.”
“Our time’s almost up, Laura, and today I have someone waiting. Do you need to talk about any of this?”
“No. I need to absorb this. Process.”
Dr. Otis stood. “Kara still loves you underneath all this. I’m willing to bet on it. She feels safe with you. She wouldn’t have come back to you otherwise. This is going to be hard, Laura, so remember to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of her.”
“Kara got me through cancer, Dr. Otis. I can get her through this.”
“I’m sorry it wasn’t better news, Laura. I so hoped I was wrong.”
Laura nodded and turned to leave. She paused at the door. “Thank you, Dr. Otis. I’ll see you next time.”
Laura poked at her phone as she walked out of the building. “Billy? Do I have anything urgent this afternoon? No? I’m taking the rest of the day then.” She leaned against the wall, pushing her glasses into her hair and rubbing her eyes fiercely. “No, not good, Billy. I’ll...fill you in later. I’m not ready to talk about it. I’m fine. It’s not me, it’s Kara.” Billy started to say something, and she just couldn’t take it. “I’ve got to go, Billy.” She hit the end button and dropped the phone into her purse.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Saul cocked his head. The tall, gangly blonde looked like his and Ellen’s old therapist. He grabbed his coffee and made his way through the tables. “Dr. Otis?”
She looked up, clearly startled by his greeting. “Saul Tigh?”
“You having a rough day, Dr. Otis?”
She rubbed her forehead, as if the area behind it ached. “Rough rape consult.” She waved her hand, as if to wipe that away. “How are you and Ellen doing? Have things been better for you?”
“We’ve incorporated a lot of what you taught us. We do still like a good fight to get the blood pumping, but we’re actually doing pretty well with each other.”
“I’m happy to hear it.”
“We probably wouldn’t have made it without killing each other if it weren’t for you.” He took a few sips of his coffee, noting that Dr. Otis was staring off into space again. “You sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
“It’s this Thorne guy. He’s bad news, and thank the gods Kara’s off his ship -” She realized what she was saying and stopped herself. “Frak, Saul. Forget I said that. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
He dipped his head in acknowledgement. Thorne? Why does that name sound familiar? And Kara? Wonder if it’s the same woman? “How are you doing?”
“Practice is as busy as ever. Somebody in Fleet is always needing help.”
“I’ve met my fair share. Got a list, waiting for just the right reason to send them your way.”
Dr. Otis smiled. “I’ll be happy to help anybody you send me, Saul.”
He kept the conversation going for a few more minutes, then decided to chance it. “Met a Kara once. Kara ‘Starbuck’ Thrace. Scary-good pilot. Broke a bunch of records while she was at Flight School. Interesting young woman.”
Dr. Otis didn’t give him even an inkling if they were talking about the same woman. “Interesting, as in there’s no other complimentary word to describe her, or actually interesting?”
Saul laughed. “She did a seminar while I was visiting, on using the enemy’s expectations to beat them at their own game. She was actually interesting. She’d have made a good tactician if we were still fighting Cylons. She’d be wasted on the enemies we have now, though.” He held in the sigh that accompanied the thought. Not that he wanted to be at war, but sometimes, he really missed the adrenaline rush of being a combat pilot. Maybe that’s why he and Ellen had to have a knock-down drag-out every once in a while.
“From everything her girlfriend says, - godsdammit, Saul. No more of that. I’ll have to make you sign a confidentiality agreement.” She cocked her head for a moment. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea. There is something about this case I could use you on. Would you be interested in being read in?”
“You saved my marriage, Doc, and kept me from winding up in prison or dead. If there’s any way I can help in return, I’d be happy to do it.”
“You can’t talk to Ellen about this, Saul. It’s an extremely sensitive case, especially if what I suspect is true.”
He put down his coffee and waved the warning away. “Ellen’s off-planet for a couple of months visiting friends. She calls in once a week, and I hardly get a word in edgewise. Not a problem.”
“My office. 0700. Will that work?”
“I’ll be there. And if you haven’t changed receptionists, I’ll bring the coffee.”
Dr. Otis laughed. “I finally had to tell her to stop making the coffee. It was pretty horrible, wasn’t it?”
Saul nodded. He couldn’t wait to learn more about this case. He needed to get his brain geared up, figure out where he knew this Thorne from. He was also looking forward to seeing how Starbuck had fared after Flight School, though if she was seeing Dr. Otis, it probably wasn’t good.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sally watched Saul Tigh walk away. She was unnerved by the way she’d kept slipping up and saying things to him that violated patient privacy, but she felt in her gut that bringing Saul in was a good choice, though she wasn’t sure yet why. She’d figure it out. If nothing else, he was still active duty, so he could possibly do some casual asking around and get her background information about Zak Adama or Alastair Thorne. If he’d heard of either one of them, she could get a male perspective on their behavior, maybe learn why the current regime was keeping Thorne in Fleet. Thorne was a hazard to the female population, in or out of uniform, and in a position of authority, he was downright dangerous, in her opinion. From Laura’s description of Kara’s behavior, before and after, she’d been so severely traumatized Sally wondered how the girl was functioning. When her childhood was factored in, Sally was even more concerned Kara would break. There was only so much a human brain could take. Maybe I should consider reading Fleet Psych in on this - she could be a suicide risk. She dismissed the idea almost immediately; Kara wasn’t technically her patient, and alerting Fleet Psych to the possibility of suicide would go on Kara's official record. She could be grounded permanently, and it might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sally didn’t want to be responsible for that.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Laura got in her car and drove aimlessly. She ended up near the park with the fountain where she’d gone after her cancer diagnosis. There were fewer people today, from what she could see. She exchanged her heels for flats, locked her purse in the trunk, and started walking. She found a tree as far from the small crowd as she could get, sat down at its base, and cried, her face and arms resting on her knees. She cried until she felt numb, then reached behind her and dug into the tree trunk.
The rough bark scraped against her fingertips and reminded her she was alive. Pain was part of living. She’d get through this, and she’d get Kara through it. Somehow. She dug in her pocket for the single tissue she’d stuffed there, and though it was inadequate, she wiped her face as best she could. Then she stood and started walking again.
For the second time in her life, she sat on the edge of the fountain, bare feet dipped in the cool water, face tipped to the sun. Mom. I know you’re up there. Kara’s broken, and I don’t know what to do.
She sat, eyes closed, wishing for the answer that logically, she knew would never come.
You know what to do, Laura Roslin.
The voice startled her eyes open, and she looked around.
Her mother’s gentle laugh echoed in her head. I’m not out there, girl. I’m in here, right where I’ve always been. Your Kara’s hurt, but she’s not broken. Not quite. She came back to you because she trusts you with her pieces. So you do what I taught you. You love her, as best you can, until she starts to love herself again. And then you keep loving her.
Laura smiled, just a little bit. Even if the voice in her head was just a ghost, a shadow of conversations she’d had with her mother over the years, it was right. And so was Sally Otis. Love Kara, and take care of herself. She wouldn’t be much good to Kara if she got sick again. She made a mental note to schedule a physical. She’d been lax about that while Kara’d been gone.
She sent a mental thank you and hug to her mother, put her shoes back on, and headed for the car.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Saul was sitting on his porch drinking a beer, thinking about where he and Bill might like to go on their next bachelor vacation, when his mind made the connection. Bill had been to visit Zak on Ramayana, and one of Zak’s coworkers, a lieutenant, had been named Thorne. Saul remembered the expression of distaste on Bill’s face when he’d mentioned the man, how much Zak had seemed to look up to him. If it was the same Thorne Sally Otis had mentioned, Bill’s dislike of the man had in part been due to his misogynistic attitude toward women. Bill had told him if Thorne had been on his ship, he’d have been on report at least a dozen times during the short period Bill’d been on Ramayana. It wasn’t his ship, so he hadn’t said anything to her commander, but he’d been concerned when Zak had exhibited some of the same attitudes whenever he thought Bill wasn’t paying attention.
Saul dropped his feet to the deck. Don’t much like where this seems to be going. I’ll have to wait until Dr. Otis reads me in, but she mentioned rape. I hope like hell I don’t have to talk to Bill about his kid raping a woman. Gods.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kara was sitting in the living room in the dark when Laura got home, and she didn’t see her at first.
“I went by my studio. Someone else is there now. Did you get rid of my stuff?”
“Oh!” Laura jumped, her heart pounding. “Gods, Kara. I didn’t see you there.”
“Did you toss my stuff?”
Kara’s voice was flat, toneless, but Laura could feel the tension boiling just out of sight. “Of course not, Kara. I had it moved.”
“Why?”
“They raised the rent while you were gone. An unreasonable amount, I thought, so I found you something else. It’s a better spot. You’ll like it more, I think.” She turned on a lamp, and Kara winced.
“Where?”
The assumption that Laura hadn’t taken care of her stuff was irksome. At the same time, this was the first thing Kara had cared enough about to pursue since she’d gotten back. She held out her hand. “Come on. I’ll show you.” She watched Kara get up and walk toward her. She was hurt that Kara wouldn’t take her hand, but she sucked it down. For now, it was more important for Kara to be comfortable.
Laura led the way through the house to the back door, pulling a set of keys out of a drawer on the way. She flipped on the porch light and stepped into the back yard.
“You put my stuff in the back yard?” Kara almost sounded angry.
“No, baby. Come on.” She walked across the yard to a building in the corner.
When Kara caught sight of it, she unconsciously grabbed Laura’s hand. “What is this? This wasn’t here when I left.”
Laura unlocked the door and flipped the switch. “I had it built for you.” Then, because she wanted Kara to have the freedom to explore the place without feeling like she had to express gratitude, she pressed the keys into Kara’s hand and stepped back. “I’ll let you check everything out.”
She hurried back across the yard, hoping Kara would see this for what it was, a gesture of love and welcome, and not as some sort of control.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kara wandered around the space for several hours, picking things up and putting them back down, arranging easels and looking at canvases. She opened doors and found beautifully organized supplies. Three of the four walls were windows, and there were skylights. Laura put a lot of thought into this. But for what? Me? Everything is so pretty and clean, and I’m not. Still, I should thank her.
It was with that foremost in her mind that she went back into the house, careful to lock the studio door before she walked away. She went to the bedroom and changed into sleep clothes, then looked toward the bed. Laura had fallen asleep reading, and part of Kara wanted to just watch her. But she had to thank Laura. It’s what she would have done before. Keeping things normal was important, so Laura wouldn’t know.
She pulled Laura’s book and glasses off gently and put them on the side table, then turned the lamp down to its lowest setting. She ran a hand down Laura’s bare arm and Laura mmmed in her sleep. She pushed Laura’s panties down. Slowly, so she wouldn’t wake. Ran her fingers lightly up and down Laura’s legs, watching them ease open. Kara crawled onto the bed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Laura shifted. Kara was touching her, and it was so good. Better than she remembered. But something was wrong, too. She made herself fully wake up and pay attention. Laura was wet and Kara was watching her own hand work on Laura, her expression almost dead.
Laura moved her hand, stroking up Kara’s arm softly. Kara winced. “Kara?”
“It’s fine.”
What was fine? Physically, Laura was turned on, but it was clear to her Kara was not enjoying this at all, and that made it wrong at the very least. “Kara, stop.”
She turned her face away and kept going. “I have to thank you.”
Gods, Kara. “You don’t have to thank me for anything, Kara. I’m always happy to do things for you. But what are you talking about?”
Kara’s fingers stilled briefly. “The house. The painting house. I have to thank you for that.”
“Baby, you don’t. You don’t have to thank me. You never have to do anything with me you don’t want to do.”
Kara muttered something, and Laura thought she heard, “But this is what I would have done before. It has to be normal. I have to be normal.”
Finally, Laura reached down and put her hand on Kara’s wrist, stopping her motions. “Kara. Stop. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
As if by rote, Kara said, “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s fine.”
Laura used some of the strength she’d built up in her arms over the last year to pull Kara’s hand away from her, and coax her down to the bed. She wrapped her arm around Kara tight and kissed her forehead. Kara remained stiff in her arms. “Oh, Kara. What did they do to you?”
There was a subtle shift, as if Kara had somehow put distance between them, and she said, “Nothing. Nobody did anything. It’s all part of the training.”
Laura wanted to vomit. Part of the training? Sick frakking bastards. She swallowed down the rage and shoved it into a corner. There would be a time and place to use that rage, but it wasn’t with Kara. She didn’t know what else to do, so she rubbed Kara’s back and hummed the way she used to before. It had been one of Kara’s favorite ways to fall asleep. After a few minutes, Kara relaxed and drifted off.
Laura watched her sleep, clenching her fist over the changes she saw. Lines in Kara’s face. Sadness. Her resting face was pinched and full of pain. Laura stroked her arm, from the shoulder down, and Kara flinched into herself with a little cry, but didn’t wake. Laura kept petting Kara, just touching her, hoping maybe the simple physical connection would help her sleep or feel at peace for a few minutes, or something.
She fell asleep breathing in the scent of Kara’s hair, and when she woke, Kara was already gone to work. She said a silent prayer to thank her mother for reminding her not to give up.
