Fic: One True Thing, K/L, pre-mini, soft R for themes, no warnings unless you need an angst warning

[lanalucy]

Kara/Lee - first time after Zak died

This was a kink prompt, but there's no actual smut in it.

Many fervent thanks to newnumbertwo and laura_mayfair for their beta and friendship.

He watched her across the coffin. She looked small, fragile, completely unlike the blazingly larger-than-life woman his brother had loved. The woman he loved.

Every time the guns fired, she jumped. He longed to tell her it would be okay, but it would be a lie. Without Zak, the world would never make sense again. Without Zak between them, Kara’s gravity would pull him inexorably in until she was his world. Zak had been the only thing keeping Lee from succumbing. Zak had also been the only reason he’d needed to resist.

His mother’s nails dug into his arm, even through his uniform, and he let the pain distract him from Kara.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Mom was dead to the world, and he had no idea where his dad was. With Saul probably. Lee was standing outside Kara’s door, his hand raised, when he heard a crash from inside. He searched with his fingers above the door for the spare key Zak had told him was always there, and rushed in without knocking, nearly distraught that Kara had hurt herself. His brother had been dead mere days, and already Lee was failing at the one thing Zak had asked him: “Take care of Kara. If something ever happens to me, she’ll fall apart, Lee. She’s not as strong as she pretends to be.”

Lee bent down and scooped Kara up into his arms. She collapsed into his shoulder, and a thought strayed through his mind - he was glad he’d changed. His uniform would have been too scratchy on her face. He laid her gently on the bed and stepped toward the head to get a cloth. Kara’s grip on his wrist was steel, and he sank onto the edge of the bed. Maybe he could rub her back or something. She could fall asleep and feel better for a while. Then wake up to a world without Zak in it. Gods, this sucked!

Kara curled herself around until her head was in his lap, one hand still vise-gripped around his wrist, the other hand around his hip. She was so tense he was afraid she’d shatter if he moved the wrong way. “Kara?”

She didn’t move. Didn’t say anything. Kara usually almost never shut up; the silence was eerie.

“Kara? How about if I sit up against the wall. You’d be more comfortable that way. Okay?”

She still didn’t speak, but she scooted back a bit, allowing him room to move, without letting go of his wrist. As soon as he was settled, she curled back in. He ran the fingers of his free hand up and down her back, constantly in motion until he felt her drift off and her hand let go of his wrist. He watched her sleep until he dozed off himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Kara knew it was wrong. Not just wrong, but cruel. Since the moment she’d met him, standing outside her door crushing flower stems in his fist, she’d known how Lee felt about her. He’d backed off after their disastrous almost-frak, had dated other girls, had called her his sister, but she’d always seen through it. What Lee had never known, what she’d tried so hard to hide even from herself, was that she was in love with him, too. If Lee had ever asked, she’d have left Zak for him. But she knew she’d never have to make that choice because Lee would never in a million years ask her to. Zak would always be safe, would always love her the way nobody else ever had.

But Zak hadn’t been safe, and her chest hurt with how much she didn’t miss him like she should.

She watched Lee through tear-swollen eyes for a few more minutes, then crawled up into his lap and straddled him. He wouldn’t say no, she knew he wouldn’t. And he’d always think he’d been a substitute for Zak. And she couldn’t make herself care. She needed him. She gently put her hands on his face and leaned forward.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was the most exquisite kiss, soft lips, hands on his face, tiny sounds of approval. Gods, he loved when women were happy in bed! His hands gripped her hips, pulling her tighter against him. She wriggled and they both moaned softly. His thumbs rubbed back and forth on the silky skin of her hips, then he pushed up under the shirt she was wearing. He felt the skin under his fingers goosebump. She stretched to pull her shirt over her head, and when their lips separated, he opened his eyes.

Frak! Kara! His hands reflexively tightened on her ribs as his body experienced an emotional cold shower. He couldn’t do this to her. He forced his hands away from his body, so Kara was farther away, which he immediately realized was a mistake - his eyes dropped to her breasts, and she was so beautiful, half-naked. In bed with him. Frak!

She pushed forward and he kept his arms strong. “No, Kara. We can’t do this. You don’t really want me.” Tears pooled in her eyes, and his defenses weakened. He’d long been inured to women crying; his mother used it as a tool much too frequently. Kara crying was an entirely different thing. He caved, pulled her closer, wrapped his arms around her and made shushing noises until she relaxed again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Kara made herself wilt into Lee. She needed him to ease the loneliness spiking through her in sharp jabs, needed him to stop thinking. She waited until his posture softened, then brushed her lips on his neck. He froze, but didn’t push her away, so she kept going until she was sucking lightly at a spot just under his ear, and his heart was pounding in his chest. His body was on board with the plan now. She kissed up his jaw, back to his mouth. He let her kiss him once, then broke away.

“Kara, please. Gods.”

Big, strong Lee Adama could stop her if he really wanted to, but she knew he didn’t. “I need - “

“You don’t need me, Kara.”

He was so wrong. She needed him more than she’d ever needed anything or anybody. It was nothing like the warm, comfortable thing she’d had with Zak, and that terrified her. So she did the thing that would both make him give in and drive him away afterward, the thing he would never believe she meant, the thing that would ensure her heart would be safely locked away for the rest of her life.

She gave him one true moment.

“I love you,” she whispered in his ear. She practically heard the walls of his castle crumble to the ground.